I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
