I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize