Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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