im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
