I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
