I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
