Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
