I wish my penis had an off switch
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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