you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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