At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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