The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
