She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
