dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
