he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just want to make out with him forever
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize