WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize