I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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