I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
