Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize