Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
