omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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