I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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