I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
