I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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