hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
