its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize