Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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