i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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