Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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