Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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