Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
