Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
