Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
