His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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