I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
