Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
