the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
