I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize