My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
My vagina just clenched in fear
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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