the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
