Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
