I will die if light touches me.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize