This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
