his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
