I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
