We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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