ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
