There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
you will always have a special place in my vag
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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