Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Holy sore nipples Batman
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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