sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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