I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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