either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
