i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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