I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
