My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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