I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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