I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Randomize
