I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
