I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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