Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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