i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
