in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
