I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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